A look toward the Holidays; the Year in Review

It is the time of year when we begin to start thinking about what to write in our Christmas cards.   Sometimes we include a letter (still not sure if we will do that...)  As I look back over the past year, I am overwhelmed.   It has been incredibly difficult, and amazingly wonderful....all at the same time.  It seems odd, doesn't it?

November 30th marked the one-year "anniversary" of my fall.   I am pretty strong-willed, so much of the past year has been my trying to work my butt off (actually it would be more like working my butt on because after 4 months of bed rest and weight-bearing restrictions w/ my lower right side, my gluteal muscles [and entire right leg]  totally atrophied...I looked pretty pathetic).    Surprisingly, I had a window of time this summer where my ankle pain was starting to decrease for a while, but toward the end of August that changed.  The grinding and pain in my ankle was confirmed with an x-ray showing significant degeneration of the joint.   Sigh....as is the case with most traumatic injury, recovery often becomes a long-range goal, with lots of inconvenient detours.        

I really had not sat down and tallied all of my surgeries, but just today I realized that I am getting ready for surgeries # 10 (hardware removal Dec. 19th) and 11 (ankle replacement, in roughly three months), in addition to an L4 / L5 medial branch Radiofrequency Ablation (RFA)....although that procedure freaks me out.   Still, I am thankful that the worst part is behind me.

Toward mid-summer, I mentioned to Scott that I need to be somewhere beautiful, with good people and good energy (and hopefully climbing) on the "year anniversary" day. I needed a plan with something to look forward to (our first-ever mini-vacation without the kids), to celebrate getting through the tough year....so we planned a long-weekend trip to Red Rock Canyon outside of Vegas. What began as an envisioned "moving on" trip morphed into more of a "last hurrah" excursion....before getting emotionally and physically ready for another winter of being laid-up. The trip was wonderful in every respect...

 

 

 ....and although it was a beautiful, magical experience, there was a mix of sadness, wonder and gratitude woven through it.    The desert seems to have a way of speaking to that reality, with its rugged terrain, parched colorful rock-earth and sprigs of new life sprinkled through its landscape.   To inhale all of this beauty, with my life-long partner / dedicated, goofy husband by my side.... was simply amazing.   It was enough of a gentle nudge to keep me going through the next few somewhat arduous months.    Oh yeah....and then coming home to the hoodlums (who did so well staying with Nai Nai), all excited for the holidays made the experience extra special. 

 

... so we are moving on toward the holidays.  What a vast improvement over last year!  I had been discharged from the hospital on Christmas Eve-day after spending four nights for ankle-reconstruction surgery.  At home, I had a bed in the living room with the Christmas tree at my feet.  (I tried to stay up to see Santa, but with all the pain meds, I think I slept through his visit!)   As I look back over the year, I have become much more acutely aware of the blessings which have arisen as a result of the difficulty experienced throughout the year.  

• I have learned how to receive....and to be accepting of care (I was horrible at this before!) 
• My/our friendships have deepened and become much richer.  There are really no words to express how important this has been in my life.   (and ya'll know who you are!)
• I have slowed down enough to see the little increments of growth in my children, and am amazed at their resilience.   Both of the kids have thrived dispite the difficulties of this past year.
• I have developed a greater appreciation for natural beauty (because I have slowed down and taken the time to notice...more than usual), and have the desire to drink it all in as much as I can.  This has spilled into a natural sense of wonder in my children.
• I have become more aware of the journey of other folks who struggle.   As part of my own self-imposed spiritual "therapy" I have been volunteering in the spiritual care department at Froedtert Hospital, and have spent time with many, many folks in their pain and anguish.   This experience has helped me to keep things in perspective, and has truly been a gift.   It has helped me to move on through many-a-day where I would have thought of throwing-in-the-towel (only to have a heart-felt connection with another person who validates the need to keep on, keeping on.)  
• I am once again, truly grateful for my husband and family.  This realization has been a constant. 
• I have learned how to live in the moment...and to savor it. 

Late last week I received a letter in the mail informing me that I had been nominated for a particular community service award at my alma-mater.  I couldn't help thinking to myself, "Really? Me???" (like, do they have the right person?)  I have never been nominated for such award, even when I was working out in the trenches of social service provision.   How ironic that now....(after having taken a five-year hiatus from my career to raise two children and essentially having no choice but to remain home while my son received in-home therapy), feeling as if this has been one of the worst years of my life, that I would even be considered for such a nomination.   I have felt unable to give much at all this year.   I have been mostly a receiver of help.

I guess all I've tried to do is get through, not give up, and keep believing.   That's it.   There really is no alternative, is there?   Apparently tenacity must count for something.