Learning the Dance

Dancing the polka was customary in the city I grew up in.... and I always had the toughest time following my partner's lead.   I always wanted to be the one leading, exerting my will.  My husband often teases me that, while my sheer force of will is formidable, it can also be difficult to deal with (think "the irreversible force meets the immovable object.").   Significant others can be wonderful in keeping one humble and honest, can't they?

The tenacity I've thrown into life has served me well in many respects....in completing my education; in working with challenging people in my career(s); in adopting our children...traveling to bring them home and finding them services... and in the arduous journey of parenting a child with special needs.   It has fueled my crusade to find help for a child on the edge of dying emotionally and physically, and to introduce him to a life that can be glorious and meaningful.   Of course, this is the same quality that has led to my passion for climbing...and subsequently to my climbing fall.

With this same sense of passion, I've traveled to incredibly rich and interesting places and soaked in realities saturated with meaning.   I've thrown infinite numbers of questions into the universe and have been met with equally as many questions and ponderings. 

These longings have been ignited by an intense desire to learn, to experience and to grow.   I've felt like a student of life, so-to-speak....with my mantra being: There's no point in watching life when we can participate in the fullness of it. The only problem is that, throwing oneself into something wholeheartedly necessitates dealing with the realities of it.

The other day I mentioned to a friend that, with both of my children beginning full-time elementary school in September, I am excited to finally return to a career (that, of course, said through the lens of my "pre-accident" mind.  Ugh...I'm really still not ready emotionally or physically for the demands of full-time employment.).   She responded: "Are you kidding me?  Can't you just let yourself BE for a change?  Your body is still healing...what kind of wake-up-call do you need to finally be good to yourself?"

I guess the same tenacity I've thrown into my life all along has not been any different with my physical recovery.   My treatment professionals have commented about my "remarkable" healing process....(okay, I take PT seriously) but somehow I always still walk away feeling disappointed.   Life. has. changed....plain "moving on" just doesn't cut it.  My body does not act the same, and pain is a constant companion.   I don't show it, but it's there.  I keep doing the things that I enjoy, hoping that this new body will eventually catch up.   Well, the reality of this "new normal" is that my body just might not "catch up" in the way I envision.  I feel as if I'm being forced...headlong and careening...into a different reality.  One that is much more gentle and accepting.   I'd love to think that these attributes were a natural part of my personality, but they're not.

I know this kind of journey is not unique.   The world is filled with people unsure of how to move forward in their "changed" selves, just as the world is filled with people who feel alone and isolated because the world keeps spinning despite their unsureness of how to move on.   Some of us make the conscious choice to slow down and listen, others of us have to be dragged kicking and screaming  (I would qualify as the latter).

I find so much strength in connecting with and knowing such folks...in the blogosphere, via article writings, or personally....folks like climber Hugh Herr ,  writer and yoga instructor Danielle ,  and Janet, who have stories to share that convey deep strength and courage to trust.

I'm a newbie, and I'm just learning...How to let go and trust the universe for possibility.  Its hard, being a typically tenacious type.   So I have decided to begin a collection; a collection of people who can help me learn this dance.  Fellow learners and folks who have acquired the art through their own experience...those who can help me learn the dance of trust, of letting go, and of gracefully finding the balance between tenacity and receptivity.

 Comfort in sharing vulnerability is a necessity though, as I'd still consider my dancing to be newborn foal-like:  very tentative and shaky....