New Normal?

My apologies for being out of the blogosphere for a while.   Life's welcomed distractions have kept me pretty busy without the chance to put things into words lately.  Finally I thought I'd sit down and put fingers to keypad...

RECOVERING ROLLERCOASTER

I'm finding that this whole recovering journey is a hugely mental thing.   There has been research that has shown that the more one envisions positive results and works to make those results happen, the more frequently positive outcome is the result.   In addition, chemicals in the brain are secreted that can often help to over-run pain receptor responses.  (That's the end of my scientific rambling!)

With that said, I also believe that, at times, environmental and physical changes can and will affect our mental states as well.   Sometimes pain and limitations just rear their ugly heads, momentarily sending determination and optimism to the sidelines.   My physical therapist commented one day that it is okay to have an occasional "pity party" because sometimes we just need to go to that space.   I have been to that space many times....and, so far, have emerged from it with a degree of acceptance and continued resolve.

My husband and medical team have reminded me frequently that I am way ahead of the projected recovery curve.   (I think that's mostly because I am a "type A" kind of person and have a need to constantly work toward some goal.   This is the first time my OWN recovery has been my "project.")  While that's great, it's still hard to come to terms with what my "new normal" is. 

Because of my need to push myself back to what I consider "normal" life again, I agreed to teach a preschool swim class at the Y (in the shallow end).  I find the Y to be positive place, with supportive colleagues and friends. For this reason, I figured it would be a great atmosphere for starting my journey back to normalcy again.  I have gone there regularly to work out and the staff has been so welcoming of my return. 

As you may know, I have had some necessary plastic surgery on my leg, and, while I am used to the appearance of it, most people are taken aback.  I'm not yet ready to deal with questions about the graft on my lower leg (it is quite odd looking and very puffy), so I generally wear a neoprene brace to conceal it.   I still have a very noticable 13 inch scar from the donor site on my thigh though......which brought forth lots of stares and questions from parents and kids.   After teaching, (while I attempted to hurry to get dressed in the locker room...everything takes longer than I expect!), the older woman using the locker next to mine, seeing all of the scars on my hips, backside and leg blurted out "What in the world happened to you?!"  Of course, I was a little embarrassed.  Not only am I not used to folks looking at my body in the locker room, but I was certainly not mentally prepared to be the subject of someone's curiosity and interest.  I mean, all I wanted to do was get ready and leave for cryin' out loud.   Of course, acknowledging the woman's curiosity (she was a typical nice old lady), I explained the nature of my climbing fall, the soft-tissue complications involved in my comminuted leg fracture, and why I had an external fixator screwed into my hip bones.  However, upon leaving the locker room my heart sank with the distinct realization that I was now somehow different.  I had been into and out of that locker room hundreds of times, and this was the first and only time I felt very self-conscious and even defective.   I had always been known for who I was and what I did....now I had felt as if the scars and lump on my leg (the evidence of my fall) were the first thing folks noticed. 

That evening I went upstairs, fell onto my bed and cried.   While I had anticipated feeling sore and tired after my first day teaching, I did not expect that I would feel really, really down.   Scott came up and sat with me and we talked....acknowledging that I would be seeing my plastic surgeon on Tuesday who would hopefully be able to give me an indication of when he would be able to do liposuction on my ankle (YES...that is the plan.  How odd is the thought of liposuction on an ankle?!)    

Ya know, yeah....I am thankful that my fall did not result in a brain or spinal cord injury.   I am lucky that I did not have internal injuries, that I had a good medical team and that all of their efforts resulted in my remaining pretty darn functional, all things considered.  Yet all of these things still do not change the fact that life has changed A LOT.   The mental image I had of myself does not quite fit anymore.   The concept of normal for me is changing and evolving.

Embracing a "new normal" is possible, although it is not easy.  There is a grieving process involved....and it is not fun.   Again, I'll get there.  One. day. at. a. time.