So, what am I posting about today? SUPPORT! We're always talking about that little word, aren't we? There are support groups and yahoo groups for everything under the sun these days! But what is it really? I have thought about this little word for years and years, and finally have come to the realization that the concept of support is a loaded one for me. Why? Because it probably looks and feels different than what most folks might expect.
I came up with these little (shall we call them....) suggestions:
- Please don't feel the need to provide answers, or offer suggestions that just might "fix" what folks are going through....especially in the parenting of children with "special needs" (and it is a vast world indeed!). If the answers were quick and simple, don't you think many of us would've found them out by now? When difficulties ensue, don't you think that most of us would RATHER "circumvent the suffering" and do whatever it takes to avoid them? (BTW, Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous and all the other "Anonymous" groups were formed for this very reason...there are a lot of methods folks have used to numb themselves to reality over the years.) The bottom line: Some things just ARE. We need to accept them, and DEAL with them in the best ways that we humanly can. Most of the time there is a process involved....it is called LETTING GO. (Disclaimer: I am NOT talking only to the guys here. My dear husband reminds me that trying to "fix" does tend to be a male trait. The desire to "fix" applies to many, many people...not only the man-folk!)
- Realize that sometimes ACCEPTANCE is its own achievement. It is also one of the most necessary aspects of living with a child with special needs. It does NOT happen overnight. It doesn't even happen within months or maybe even years. It waxes and wanes....and so do our emotions. Please understand that we do not enjoy this emotional rollercoaster. We may not have even bought a ticket for this rollercoaster in the first place, but we're hanging on through the whole ride regardless.
- Understand that our experience (and our child's behavior/condition) is ALWAYS EVOLVING... hence, the child who seems to be doing great today may not be doing so great tomorrow. I wish that there would be a rhyme or reason to how this works, but it doesn't happen that way! It would be wonderful if we could "can" those good days and pull them out during the holidays, in public places, and whenever it is convenient, wouldn't it?
- Know that we welcome honest questions about our experience with our SN kiddo and are more than happy to share with you what it is like (that is, if you're willing to really listen!). Most of the time however, I will spare folks the details unless they really want to know. You see, a lot of us spend a great deal of mental energy wondering just WHAT people think about us and our children. Asking "what it's like" would be a great alternative to our projecting what you "might" be thinking!
- Please forgive us for seeming preoccupied on occasion! I can't tell you how many times I have forgotten to log a check into the check registry while my child is throwing a tantrum in the checkout line, or I have forgotten to return a phone call amidst dealing with one thing or another. These kinds of occurrances are so common!
- Please try to understand that even though you believe there may be a spiritual reason for the parenting of a SN kiddo, we may not necessarily FEEL that our particular situation was "meant to be". Believe me, I was raised Catholic, have a theology degree, and worked in ministry for many years (even lived with nuns for two of them!)..... I have tried and tried to find meaning and purpose in the wake of so many of life's amazing challenges, including the adoption and raising of our child who has multiple special needs. Some days are just plain hard, hard HARD! Metaphors such as the Garden of Gethsemane and the Cross are helpful and give some strength, but there are still many unanswered questions and a longing for answers (hence the above comment about LETTING GO!). Be patient and understanding if we are not feeling particularly blessed. Maybe in time, we will.
- DO encourage us to be good to ourselves (however that may be). Yes....in the SN world we DO need people to keep telling us that!
6 comments:
Great list. I especially relate to the "meant to be" comment. No, I don't think my son having autism "happened for a reason" nor do I think God only gives us what we can handle.
I'd also add: Please keep in touch. I may not be able to attend as many playdates, parties, moms night out, etc. but please keep inviting me. Friendships are vital. And, maybe once in a while, offer to bring dinner over, run some errands or walk the dog. Or stop by with a latte. I am fortunate to not need the money right now, but I don't always have the time or energy to keep my house running smoothly.
Your list can be used in so many situations! My college roommate always says that when someone is saying something stupid, she just smiles and nods. I have found myself doing that often in my life. Maybe that's part of Letting Go! For example, after I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I would smile and nod when people told me how they understood how I felt, since they had had a breast biopsy, but fortunately it was negative. I could go on...but I won't! ;)
Jen....ABSOLUTELY! Friends ARE vital (another idea for a blog post on that subject itself.) I don't know what I'd do without them.
Ginny...I actually considered some of these things being applicable to folks who may have a cancer diagnosis, or someone who may have recently lost a loved one. I think folks often just don't KNOW how to empathize, when the best way is to simply ASK. It isn't about what we SAY, it is more about how we are present when we CAN'T "fix" something.
Thanks for your input ladies!
Loved it. I've had my heart broken a little bit each time someone wants to be supportive and tell me things like, "He's just a boy." Or "He'll grow out of it." Or "Maybe with a new discipline technique..." Starting the journey down this road of SN parenting has truly opened my eyes to what support really looks like. I'm hopeful that it's helping me to be a more supportive person to others facing challenges of any kind.
Wow. Great list of support suggestions. In fact, I'm going to share this with my FB and Twitter family as well ... people are always asking questions, and you answered so many of them so well!
Amanda, by all means! Share the love :) Ashley...yes, although I think those attempts at "normalization" are folks' way of trying to make us feel better, seldom do people realize that it only underscores how they just DON'T understand. Then we're back to feeling alone again...
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